Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
