Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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