Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
