my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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