I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
