Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
