its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
