woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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