he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
