You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
