Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
