booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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