and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
