the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
