If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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