just come out here and I will go home with you...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize