There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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