He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
