When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
