put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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