dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
