I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just want nice things and good sex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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