dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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