Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
