I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
