Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
