He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
