I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
