Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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