Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
