i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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