I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
