You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
