my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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