she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
