You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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