I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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