I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
