I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize