She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
