watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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