just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
