And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
