I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Randomize
