How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize