If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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