It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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