I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
