I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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