i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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