Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
