evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
