I need to stop coming to work sober
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
