Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
