Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
