i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
