ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
